10 Utterly Useless Kitchen Gadgets
It’s amazing what a little online research can lead to. I believe I began my journey by searching for a particular cheese soufflé recipe, and one thing led to another, which led to another, until I discovered all of these kitchen gadgets that I never even wanted to know about.
And then I felt obligated to share my findings with you so your lives could be enriched just as much as mine had been.
Are you ready?
Vile Bodily Function Egg Separators
Really? What’s the deal with these things?
Typically, I just use my fingers to separate eggs, like this:
I crack the egg into my hand, splay my fingers just a tad, and the white slips right through into the bowl.
It’s convenient to use my fingers because they’re never waiting in the dishwasher to be cleaned, I don’t need to find a place to store them, and I seldom, if ever, misplace them. Therefore, why in the world would I need or desire an egg separator at all, let alone an Egg Snot Separator . . .
or a Vomiting Chick Egg Separator?
Giant Vegetable Sharpener
When was the last time you thought, “Golly, if only the tips of my carrots were sharper!”? Can you even fathom the kitchen phone ringing, answering it, and saying, “Hold on. Hold on one second, doc, let me just grab a piece of paper and a newly sharpened carrot to jot down your prognosis.”
I don’t see that happening any time soon.
Not unless you’re Bugs Bunny.
Imagine. You get home from a long, hard day of work, drag your sorry self over to the kitchen table and drop down into a chair. Then you sit and stare at the plate of pasta your loving spouse has placed in front of you and begin shaking your head thinking, “Nope. I’m just too dang tired to twist pasta tonight. No can do.” Thankfully, you have your handy-dandy pasta-twisting fork beside your plate. It takes all of the strength you can muster to lift and press the tines into the pasta, push the button, and then, thank the heavens above, your battery-operated savior takes over from there, twisting your pasta around your fork into a knotted heap. How you’ll actually raise the fork to your mouth is another problem for another day.
People with truly serious cases of anemia, might appreciate this . . . maybe?
Spafoon Nose-Shaped Spoon
You know those buffoons who first lick a spoon and then try to hang it from the tip of their nose? Well apparently we’re all supposed to go out and buy special nose-shaped spoons to have on hand when they come a’visiting so that they can pretend the spoon is really their nose. But, then again, if you can’t tell it’s a spoon, doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose?
Milk Carton Holder
Since when is pouring milk out of a carton a really tough thing to do unaided? Why would anybody need a “handled milk carton diaper” to assist them in this task?
Specialized Fruit Slicers of Any Sort
One question: WHY?
People, here’s your real answer: It’s called a knife. It’s been proven to work well with all fruit. Knives are completely without bias.
Instead, manufacturers would have us believe that we are not living fulfilled lives if we don’t have 20 different slicers and dicers for as many fruits.
There’s the Chef’n Strawberry Slicester
Can you even imagine finding a place to store this giant appliance for a tiny piece of fruit? Unless your last name is Smuckers, you have absolutely no need for this.
And the Chef’n Bananza Banana Slicer
Or the Amco Pepper Prepper
Then there’s the Amco Peach Pitter/Slicer
Which is not to be confused with the OXO Good Grips Mango Splitter
Or the Fox Run Banana Slicer by Fox Run
Gee, if only I knew which manufacturer made this product. Do you suppose it might be . . . Fox Run?
I’m sort of seeing a banana bias here. The American public must have a fear of irregularly sliced bananas. Either that, or else there’s a big troop of monkeys out there somewhere that’s as tired as hell of the “peel and bite method” for consuming bananas, and has promised to place a huge order for any product that will provide them with neatly sliced segments that they can then pack in ziplock snack baggies for their baby monkeys as they learn to swing through the jungle in vine-swinging school.
Whoopee! Pie Kit
In all honesty, when’s the last time you even thought about making a Whoopee! pie? Most of the time, if the thought even remotely occurs to me, I nix the idea on principle alone due to this dessert treat’s asinine name. It would stand, then, that I certainly don’t need a full-fledged, specialized, canteen batter-pouring kit taking up valuable kitchen storage room so I can use it when the 12th of Never rolls around.
Besides, someone already invented the cookie sheet. It, like knives, is not discriminatory. It accepts all types of batter and dough. Even easily excitable “Whoopee!” batter.
Pac Man Oven Mitts
Do you have any idea how many burns my unprotected wrists and lower palms would suffer with these truncated, yellow, rubber babies? Do these silicone mitts instinctively eat the dot-shaped cookies yet run away from the monster-shaped ones? Must the wearer of said oven mitts repeat, “Waka, waka” continuously while grabbing for the tray? (My Ove’ Gloves are scoffing at the indignity of it all.)
Muffin Top Muffin Cup
This last gadget is a little different, for me at least, than all of the rest. While I sincerely question the necessity of a silicone faux blue jean butt cup in most kitchens, out of all of the items listed above, I may actually buy and use this gadget as an important diet aid. If ever I feel compelled to reach for a muffin, this just might stop me dead in my tracks.
And that, my friends, is a very good thing.
If you’re not looking for extra gadgets, but rather for more ingenious ways to use the simple tools you already have around the house, take a look at this: Life Hacks: The Kitchen