Fantastic Movies that this Mom Will Never Watch Again!
I’m seeing “The Intern” later this week. That’s exactly the kind of movie I like: silly, happy, a little sappy.
Life is serious and complicated enough. When I go to the show, I’m typically looking to walk away decidedly more joyous than when I walked in.
Have you ever gone to the show and thought, gosh, that was such a great movie, but good Lord spare me from ever having to watch it again?
I have. Plenty of times, actually. They’re either the kind of movies where your heart feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest and your palms are sweating so much that you gum up the final layer of varnish on the arm of the seat that you gripped the entire two hours, or the kind where you know you should enjoy what you’re watching since the flick is highly rated, but frankly, a root canal sounds like a rather appealing alternative.
Just in case you’re contemplating seeing one of the movies below, DON’T!
You have been warned.
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
A friend convinced me to spend one God-forsaken afternoon watching this movie. I came out with 100 more gray hairs and 10 fewer fingernails than I went in with. It’s a wonderfully awful film that stabs parents, stay-at-home moms in particular, in the abdomen with a Bowie knife and then a follows up with a wicked gut-wrenching twist.
If you want to know more about it, google it.
I’m still verklempt.
Discuss amongst yourselves . . .
Photo courtesy of: aceshowbiz.com
Okay, I’m going to be frank.
This movie strips you of your soul, throws it on the ground, and stomps it to death with Nazi field boots.
Believe it or not, it was the first movie my husband and I saw together some 30+ years ago. While I was weeping and trying not to snort gasp, he was wriggling around for the last 30 minutes in a way that made me think the gargantuan pop he had purchased was proving too much for his bladder. Turns out, the entire time he thought he had locked his keys in the car, was horrified at the impending embarrassment, and was trying to feel if they were in his pocket without reaching for them.
At least his mental distraction spared him the gut-wrenching pain that accompanies concentrating on the plot.
My Meryl was magnificent. She was misery personified.
But, as much as I adore her, the abject pain that comes from watching this saga is not a feeling I care to repeat.
Photo courtesy of: ew.com
Into the Woods
Sorry, Meryl. You’re on my list again.
Watching Into the Woods at home will forever go down as two of the longest hours of my life. It was a never-ending saga of Jack and the Beanstalk meets Man of La Mancha meets Tim Burton, none of which I particularly enjoy. With all of the ultra-talented, high profile stars, the movie was lauded by many, but its merit completely eluded me. After an hour and 15 minutes, I was suffering from severe wrist sprain from having looked at my watch so many times.
Yes, I could have just gotten up and walked away, but I was supposed to like this one, darn it, and I kept waiting for that to happen. Then, after a while, it became a challenge: woman vs. movie. Who would outlast the other?
Jame and Spence made no bones about their lack of engagement. Thirty minutes into the movie, they looked at each other, stood up in unison, and went out for pizza. After an hour, they returned only to find me rotting in the same spot on the couch while nursing my wounded wrist.
A pizza run was a much better use of 60 minutes.
And we’re even talking just Pizza Hut.
Photo courtesy of: disney.wikia.com
The Elephant Man
This was an epic movie, truly, but because it’s based on a tragic, real life scenario, it’s sad beyond words. It’s also humbling and unnerving. So much so, in fact, that I ate an entire movie-sized box of Dots without even realizing what I was doing in an attempt to wash away my angst.
Too many tears, way too many calories.
Photo courtesy of: movingimage.us
Gone with the Wind
I know, I know. It’s an iconic, much-loved movie classic, and many of you have just whipped mental rotten tomatoes at me.
Here’s the deal, though. Just because something was lauded seventy-five years ago, doesn’t mean we have to laud it ad infinitum.
I dare you to watch the movie again without acknowledging its supreme cheese ball acting in addition to the overt racism, sexism, and over-the-top narcissism since it holds its audience captive for a bladder-busting FOUR hours. Unless you’re wearing Depends, you’ll be twisting and turning in agony for the last 45 minutes.
I’ve seen it twice. That’s eight hours of my life I’ll never get back.
Watch it for a third time?
Thank you, no!
Photo courtesy of fanpop.com
Have you seen these movies, and would you agree?
What wonderful movies make you proclaim, “As God is my witness, I’ll never watch this movie again!”?