Oh, for Goodness Snakes!
Remember how I was all, “Oh my, but it’s grand to live amongst God’s creatures” in this post?
Was I insane?
It was 70º out yesterday afternoon. Perfect weather, in my book, and the deck was beckoning. I walked outside and plopped myself in a chair facing the sun with a juicy apple and a satisfied, “Ahhh . . .” I nearly enjoyed a single nanosecond of peace, until a pack of carpenter bees roughly the size of blackbirds began taking turns trying to peck off my nose. They were dive-bombing me, coming at me from all sides, territorial suckers that they are. I know the males are the aggressors, and I also know that only the females sting and they tend to stay at home, but still, I’d like to see how relaxed you would be if a swarm of giant insects was attempting to three-man tackle you. Plus, I’m allergic to bee stings, so my dislike for the breed in general borders on hysteria.
Knowing I’m slightly brighter than bugs and therefore had a chance of outsmarting them, I ran into the house and out the front door to the porch where I had never seen any carpenter bees before. Surely I would find a few moments of peace in which to eat my apple there.
But then this happened.
That’s right. I almost stepped on the slippery sucker . . . in my flip flops . . . exposed toes and all!!!
Oh the horror!
I screamed, cursed inventively, and flung my apple into the depths of the boxwood bushes where it will suffer a slow, decaying death because I’ll be darned if I’m going to reach into that snake pit to extract it.
And now I’ve got a severe case of the heebie jeebies. I’m checking the floor every two minutes to make sure snakes haven’t somehow slithered their way into my home, because they’re sneaky like that. And find myself searching the shoe closet for steel-toed combat boots to pull on when I take the dog out.
Never fear. I’ll get over this trauma sooner or later. I’ll send one of my guys out there to root around, find, and capture that nasty serpent this afternoon so I can calm down again and actually enjoy my yard once more.
There’s a bright side to this story, however. I already know what I’m going to feature for next Wednesday’s “What Cooking” post.
How about a delicious new dish: serpentine stew with carpenter bee croutons.?